There’s this disjointed feeling I’ve been dealing with for about a week now. Never had a sore throat caused by allergies, and then I have a sore throat that refuses to go away. Doctor’s office says that it’s not caused by strep. No fever, despite the hot and cold flashes that I’ve been experiencing. They just say ‘go push fluids’.
A number of other things happen both before and after the sore throat that leave me questioning the world around me. And now…
Now, I’m not better physically, but I -am- better mentally and spiritually. My energy is flowing in ways it hasn’t flowed in years. My fur is vibrant, almost glowing. But my body… My throat isn’t sore, but I’m coughing up crud from my lungs, I’m on antibiotics I’m not sure I need but will finish anyway, and I can barely carry three grocery bags.
But I WANT to do things. I want to go running. I want to lift weights. I want to go dancing in the hard rain and kick up my feet and just BE. I want to travel. I want to explore. I want to laugh and cry and exult.
There are things that I feel I should be worried about, things that would have brought me to my knees a week ago, but now? Now it’s a feeling of ‘what will be will be. You’ll be able to change the things that you can change and adapt to that which you cannot change.’
Normally this would be a private affair, something that I kept hidden in Google Drive and never showed anyone, but the idea of that feels so very WRONG right now. I’ve been hiding for a while now. The rust flakes on my fur were proof enough of that.
Yet this isn’t something I want to go painting across facebook, either. There are people there that would not understand, my parents included, and it would bring up questions that I’m not sure I can adequately answer right now. I don’t know that I can explain it well enough right now.
It’s amusing. I find my voice when I can’t communicate well. I learn the dance steps again when my partner is unsure that he wants to continue forward. These things would have broken me not too long ago, but now… Now there is a different sense, a different tilt to it.
Those that know me well on tumblr will probably understand, at least in some way. I’m just still sorting through the threads and coming to terms with me.